Choices- Part -2

Just a few hours ago: Antara’s story.

Antara entered her room and locked it. It was winter in Virginia so the day was as dark as midnight although it was only 4.00pm in the evening. She didn’t bother turning the lights on. She needed the darkness to feel at peace. She sat in the corner of her room and that’s when it started. The pain, the hurt and the tears all hit her frail body at once. Clutching her stomach she lay on sobbing on the floor. The hurt was so palpable that she felt physically wounded. She curled on the floor holding on to her pillow for comfort just like she had done when she was a small child and appa was angry with her.

In the past, amma would have come in and  comforted her ans shushed her tears away. But after amma’s death, her world had changed. She no longer had a best friend. Even appa had become a different man. He had lost interest in the world around him and needed to be constantly checked on. He would forget to eat or take his BP medicines on time. She didn’t fault appa for the man he had become after his wifes’ death. Amma had been his lifeline and his universe.  She was “his Kausalya” as he liked to often say.

Amma had always ensured that appas’ needs were met before her’s and Antara’s. But that didn’t mean Antara was forgotten. To her Amma , her dad and her were the entire world. Amma was the most giving person she had met.. But all this giving had done amma no good. Amma died and for no fault of her’s. Her long battle with ovarian cancer had taken its toll on her leaving her weak and helpless. And when she died, Antara was glad that she didn’t have to suffer anymore. Towards, the end amma’s wonderful radiance had been replaced by furrows of pain. Long sessions of chemotherapy had taken from her only vanity; her long, black hair that she used to string jasmine flowers in until she came to the US 15 years ago.

She remembered how bitterly her mother her cried the first week that her hair had begun to fall. Soon her hair had begun to resemble appa’s until he had shaved it all away for her. It was appa who had given amma the strength to go on during this time. He had hired a photographer come in and take pictures of the two of them in all their lack of crowning glory. “Ah, Kausalya “, he had said, “with or without hair, you will always be the most beautiful woman I know. Every time I close my eyes, I see you in your blue Kanjeevaram with the strand of Jasmine in your hair. You are now even more beautiful than you were before”. Antara recalled how amma had blushed and laughed the compliment away. But, her eyes had been shining when she asked Raghu to put kumkumam on her forehead. This task was performed by appa from the day they had been married. After his morning puja, appa would always apply the kumkumam on amma’s forehead. It was a private ritual that the two of them enjoyed had enjoyed doing even 30 years of marriage in a foreign land. Amma and appa were non demonstrative of their affection towards each other but they were deeply in love. A love brought about by years of living with each other and years of affection. Which is why appa was discombobulated after amma’s death. Amma’s death had shattered his soul in more ways than one. And it had been upto her to pick up the broken pieces and try fix them one by one.

She sould have handled it, she could have done it all. If it only hadn’t been for Abhishek. He was the anchor that had held her while her world had been sinking. But now she was drowning and this time because of him. Antara and Abhishek. A & A as they were known by their friends were a fiesty couple. They were as different as night and day and it was this difference that had initially drawn them both together. She was moody, temperamental, conservative and intelligent. He was cheerful, laughter, wild and indifferent. What began as a friendly hello ended in a tempestuous affair and off late their basic differences and her anger at amma’s death had resulted in vicious verbal bouts that robbed both their souls of happiness. She kept hoping things would get better but it was futile to wish the same. She had driven Abhishek away from her with all her mood swings and bitterness.

Today he had ended it all. Their two year relationship was now over. She had entered Abhishek’s apartment at noon to find him kissing another woman. She had raved and ranted and had almost slapped the other girl. But Abhishek had been too quick for her. He had first held her hand and then resoundly slapped her hard. The blow had sent her down to the floor. Where she had lain sobbing, unwilling to get up. She had begged him then to come back to her, promising him that she would be just the way he wanted. But he had refused. He told her to get a grip on herself and not to beg for his love. His words had pierced her soul. She felt ashamed,naked and disgusted at what she had become. She was in love with Abhishek but apparently he had moved on. It was time for her to let Abhishek go, but she knew not how to accomplish the daunting task. His face was etched in her mind and his presence in her life. She was in love with someone who used to love her. The very thought of letting go made her paranoid. She had just lost amma. She could not, not in any circumstance lose Abhishek. If she did, she could not life. Would not live. She ran to her car, distraught and frantically drove home wanting to be in the security of her room.

Inside her room, Antara looked around. She could not bear losing another person she loved. Her mind made up, she went into appa’s bathroom and looked for his blade. Appa preferred shaving the old fashioned away and always put a new razor into his shaver once in two weeks. She knew where appa kept his new blades. They were neatly organized with all his other essential in the drawer below the basin. Appa had always been organized and had tried to inculcate the same habit in Antara. Unfortunate for him that she had been so messy and disorganized. Never a thing in place and when amma had tried to tidy her room, she always got an earful from her. She desperately wished that amma was around but with her it was always too late.

She took the blade out of its wrapper. Holding the shiny blade between her slender fingers, Antara said a silent prayer. She asked amma to forgive her for being a coward and appa to forgive her for being a nightmare of a daughter. Finally, she wished for Abhishek to be happy and to forget her existence. She didn’t want him to remember how she had behaved with him today. She went back to the room and before she could question the sanity of her decision she slit her wrist with one strong movement. Antara’s mind numb with shock and pain. This new pain surpassed any other pain she had felt in life. For a moment she questioned the wisdom of her choice. But soon her eyes closed and she felt nothing.

 

Choices- Part-1

Raghu saw her on the floor. Lying in a pool of her own blood. She looked like a bleeding angel. Pale and helpless. He stood still unable to comprehend what lay before his eyes. His stomach dropped, his palms grew clammy and his heart started to pound. Seemed to him like time stood still. Life ceased to exist. This  was deja vu. His vision started to blur and that’s when he realized that he was howling with pain. It was like someone had kicked him in his stomach. He could feel his own pain and could not bear it. He dropped to the floor and shook Antara. She lay still. His beautiful vivacious child lay unmoving on the floor. He felt her pulse, he could not find any. He frantically looked for the phone and dialed 911. “My daughter is bleeding and unconscious” he sobbed on the phone. “Can you give me name and location Sir”, asked the operator. “We will dispatch an ambulance out immediately”. “11, Temple street. Sterling, VA”, he said. “My name is Raghu Rao and I live next to a church”. “Please hurry up before my daughter dies”, he ended in a broken voice.

Raghu hung up and cradled his only child in his arms. He felt helpless and defeated. Just like the time when he had lost his beautiful wife, Kaushalya to cancer. He knew he would not survive if his daughter left him to join his wife. Raghu didn’t know what to do, his baby was bleeding there was nothing he could do. He wrapped a towel around her wrist hoping to stem the flow of blood. The towel grew wet in a minute and turned blood red. The color of his wife’s kumkum. The color he anointed his god’s every single morning. The color that was now fast taking his daughter away from him.

Raghu wished he had tried harder to comfort Antara after Kaushalya’s death. His wife’s demise had pushed him over the edge and had a big effect on his personality. He was now a defeated old man. An old man whose life partner and pillar of strength was taken away from him. He now lived like a recluse often forgetting the time of the day. Antara had tried so much to comfort him in her own way. But she had failed. How could he explain the inexplicable loss he felt every morning when he noticed the side of his bed empty. How could he tell his daughter that he no longer desired to live. That the only reason he was still here was because of her. He had failed Antara. He always had. She was a frail stubborn child and he had been a stern father. He had pushed her into becoming more like him but she had resisted. She had always resisted even as a small child. Now he recognized his failings but it was too late. It was always too late with him.

Pushing these thoughts out of his mind, Raghu steadily rocked his Antara’s body in his arms and prayed. Prayed harder and more devoutly than he ever had. Prayed that his child would not be taken from him. Prayed for him to be taken instead of his child. As he rocked her body, he started to sweat. He felt faint and his heart started to pound. His arm felt heavy and his chest started to heave as it someone were squeezing it. He rocked harder. He didn’t want to see his child taken from him. As he rocked harder, his eyes closed.

The ambulance found them on the floor. An old man holding a young girl in his arms like a baby and lying in a pool of blood. They found the girl unconscious but alive. Barely but alive. . However, the man they pronounced dead. Cardiac Arrest they called it. Sudden but deadly.

To Be Continued..